Friday, November 25, 2011

Does Life Change After Marriage?


Hell! YES! (I did not mean it changes to hell) I always ask back a rhetorical question. Is there any 'time' in your life which has not changed? 


Here, I consider marriage as living a life with a person under one roof . Some enter marriage with rose-colored glasses and some with yellow-colored glasses. Such colors prevent us appreciating the natural colors of married life. 


No phase of life is a bed of roses. I am not here to paint a beautiful picture. As I understand life, I would vouch for my childhood being the best part of life. But, come to think of it, there were problems, fights, issues which were BIG THEN. If those problems and fights looks small now, don't you think we are doing the mistake of using wrong scale of measurement? I have grown up, so have the problems. Simple. Isn't it funny to expect the problems to remain small as we grow-up into adults?




BH is an aquarian. Highly unpredictable by nature. So, I did not have any expectations from him before or after. But there were certain things which I had to make a mental note of, once I started actually living with him.




1. How many ever times you meet a person before marriage, you do not know the person fully. Because, when you meet your beloved for a few hours, we try make that 'happy-time'. I do not call that pretense. (natural behavior to avoid pre-tensions). After marriage, you get to see the real people. So, there will be many bitter-sweet occasions. 


2. There maybe many irritating habits (irritating to YOU) which you might not have not noticed, like snoring like a bear, wearing not-so-soiled clothes, drinking bed-coffee without brushing teeth etc. etc. You may feel that you cannot tolerate, but slowly mind starts accepting the person along with manufacturing defects.


3. No frequent telephone calls, sms-es, lesser kuchhie-mucchiee conversations DOES NOT mean that "you are taken for granted". It just means now your beloved has the privilege to be himself/herself. And that is a luxury! Accept him or her that way.


4. There WILL be fights and arguments. There has to be. Two different people, different ideas, different thoughts, different way of looking at things will end up having an argument sooner or later. But, as long as you do not get vindictive it is good. Arguing objectively will solve the current problem and deepen the understanding. Let the past ghosts remain in the haunted houses. 


5. If you think you-two will be "two-body-one-soul", I am sorry to disappoint you, it will not be so. It is a fancy idea to think so. But, later at some point in time you will realize you have lost yourself trying to believe this thought. Couple should complement one another. Differ yet prefer. Celebrate the differences.


Change is eternal. Such things make life unpredictable, exciting and challenging. Let us face it rather than cribbing about "How life changed after marriage :("

92 comments:

  1. how I agree with you on this "I have grown up, so have the problems. Simple. Isn't it funny to expect the problems to remain small as we grow-up into adults?"

    wonderful post,clap clap clap :)

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  2. Thank you Scribby. Am glad you liked it. :)

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  3. That is a nice post.One cannot but agree with what all you had said.You come out as a very pragmatic person.

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  4. @KParthasarathi Thank you.. :) It is a wide topic, I just listed some points, which I felt were important. Glad it went down well :)

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  5. Sahana.. while I read this post of yours, felt as if am reading my-self!! That's one of the many reasons I come here too very often.

    You know what.. am gonna share this post with my 'Wife'. Hope this is a MUST read for all those couple who marry exchanging a red-colored or yellow-colored roses and start thinking 'life has changed after marriage'.

    Wonderful writeup.. you being a homemaker away from Bangalore, has given ample scope for penning such a gem!!

    Changes in life.. are Good :o)

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  6. defer but prefer - very well said

    and true no part of our lives has remained unchanged

    wonder why people that too mostly married ones crib about marriage so much which they entered into mostly on their own will

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  7. @Prashanth nice to know that Prashanth.. :) if this post can reflect your thoughts, can there be a better compliment.. And yes.. Share this with Veena.. I think that is her name..
    Was really happy reading this comment.
    I hardly get time to come up with a post. I do OT. Not complaining though. I get immense happiness and satisfaction writing a post :)

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  8. @Sujatha Sathya why people crib? Probably because it is 'cool' to act like that..
    We should come out of that psuedo world.. :)

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  9. Absolutely true! I guess the gap is due to the mismatch in expectations. Also, living together is very different from being together as you pointed out. And, all of us are becoming more independent and less tolerant.

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  10. I would recommend many people to read this post.Some people can't stop cribbing about marriage and their partner. Before pointing out the flaws of others, if they take a minute to think about it, they'd realize how silly they'd been.If only.

    Nice post Sahana :-)

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  11. What IS the natural color of married life: P
    Such a thought-provoking post, Sahana. Recently I have been seeing many marriages falling apart, and it has shaken me badly. It's true that when two individuals live together, there will be arguments and fights. But if people truly blv in the sanctity of marriage, then they will rise above these arguments and try to save their marriage. Adjustments and compromise are the key-words. BTW, I am still trying to understand and analyze my hubby, and then they say it’s difficult to understand women :D

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  12. @Rachna Rightly said Rachna.. Expectations are what disappoints us. More indepedent and less tolerant.. Can agree with you more! Wonderful comment Rachna. Thank you :)

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  13. Nicely put. I will forward this post to her and let's see if she picks up a few points from here :)

    Natural color: Depends on the seasons I guess :) It definitely keeps changing all the time.

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  14. @Ashwini people just forget that they don't get a perfect person, they need to strive for a perfect life..
    Cribbing will just make a things worse.. Blocks the mind to look at things the way it is..
    Thanks for sharing your views Ashwini.. :)

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  15. When we decide to get married to someone, it is like signing an agreement "I am willing to explore this person or I am enthusiastic about exploring this person". So, this very exploration is the essence of companionship. Predictability brings boredom. Of course there are many more apsects of companionship to be taken care of, but aspect of exploration is also important.

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  16. @Prasanna Rao Well Yes, the color keeps changing!
    I smiled as I read through your comment Prasanna.. Compromise, Sacrifice and Adjustments are the keywords. Apt.
    And yes, even that is overrated. Telling that to understand a women is difficult is a big joke.
    Every human being will change. It is cool to tell about woman.. :P

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  17. @Kumar Bibek Thanks Kumar.. :) I know.. And that season is decided by the revolution of the couple's brain :P

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  18. @Sharada What a wonderful point you have made. That should have been there in the post I have written. Brilliant. That is the essence of married life. Thanks for sharing this!

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  19. Very true Sahana... Good post...

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  20. That was a great analysis of marriage! A very good read!

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  21. I just love reading your posts on Marriage!! It just keeps me more excited about that phase of life which is very far away. But your posts want me to reach it faster :P!!!

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  22. @The life-a-holic As long as it encourages I am happy! :D
    I don't want to scare the shit out of people :D
    But, this comment made me happy..!

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  23. True you see a different side of ur relationship and ur partner and actually even urself when u start living with a person .. and then obv change is inevitable.. According to me people do understand this (or atleast most of them do) the problem is couples not giving each other the space to grow..but one thing i know that too much space is also harmful.. if you needed so much space why get married at all..it is about the right amount at the right time.. figuring out this requires time unfortunately that is what most relationships lack in this fast world full of options ...

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  24. truly loved this post...its fantastic. its simple and practical and yet so hard to implement.


    cheers,
    My Third Eye

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  25. Nice one Sahana... I liked "No frequent telephone calls, sms-es, lesser kuchhie-mucchiee conversations DOES NOT mean that "you are taken for granted". It just means now your beloved has the privilege to be himself/herself. ". Most of us do this mistake. After marriage when calls or sms-es come down we tend to think that before marriage he/she used to call that/this many no. of times. Now, the love is dwindling and stuff. That is not the case. Both should have their own space...

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  26. Awww.. my guy is an aquarian and he too is unpredictable.. most of the times.. yea.. things do change when we start living with a man.. but for good, mine, his and our good :) nice post :)

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  27. A nice read Sahana.. Very well penned realistic stuff.

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  28. @SuKupedia :) :) Cant agree more Sunita :) Striking the balance is the most important thing in the relationship. Loved this comment. Thank you.. :)

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  29. @Rohit Sareen Am so glad you liked it Rohit. We do go through that difficult path to excel in the relationship. No?

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  30. @Aravind M S Rightly said Aravind. Every person should have their own space and that should be respected.
    I now understand, as I reply to the comments, that I had missed out so many points. There is so much more to write :) It never ends. Probably. :)

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  31. @Jane Doe Jane! Life with an aquarian is going to be fun. I can assure you that. Change is what makes life exciting no?
    Thank you!

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  32. I lived-in with my husband before marrying him and though individuality wins in the end, the mutual understanding, does bring the two closer, much closer.

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  33. Good one!

    By the way, does your hubby have a blog too? :)

    Why don't you ask him to leave his comments as well on all your marriage-related posts? ;-)

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  34. Showing mirror to the ignorant and dreamy minds.

    great one!

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  35. Aiyo..I dont want to get married!!

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  36. ** Couple should complement one another. Differ yet prefer. Celebrate the differences.

    I absolutely love how beautifully express this :)
    Fights that follow the moments when everything is okay is wonderful:)
    They're the most cherished ones:)

    This, is a lovely post:)

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  37. Valid points, Sahana..each phase in life comes with some amount of change and it is best that it is that way. Marriage is a life-altering phase, so it is best one enters into it after sufficient thought. It is important that you know what is that you want or expect from it. The maturity to deal with the changes comes from therein.

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  38. I agree with you. Marriage is just not a rosy bed always, but we need to understand & accept the other person as a human being.
    Nice post.
    "I have grown up, so have the problems. Simple. Isn't it funny to expect the problems to remain small as we grow-up into adults?". :-)

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  39. This seems to be an ideal post for people who want to know what they can expect after marriage and how to handle stuffs!! Great work yaar :)

    Binu Thomas.
    Bloggers Park

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  40. Well said, things change after marriage... read this somewhere... Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you!! :D

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  41. will keep the last point in mind :)

    Weakest LINK

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  42. Everybody has said all there was to say---GREAT POST.

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  43. Very nice post! and a word of caution for people marrying!! imagining life to be out of a romcom! :)

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  44. You have great insight and attitude towards the marital relationship. You are going to help many deal with their relationships.

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  45. Things to keep in mind when we head into a marriage...specially since most movies end with that last picturesque wedding ceremony scene! ;)

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  46. Whoa. very straight forward, upright views on marriage and compatability.

    There is a simple line that says " Adjustments can happen, if the willingness to accomodate is present in a relationship"

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  47. Your blog is amazing.. felll in love with it.. gonna follow you so i can read more :)

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  48. You said it my friend..Change is inevitable..Accept the other person and mvoe on with life.I just noticed that we have so many similar topics :-) http://zradar.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/the-best-thing-about-marriage-2/

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  49. very insightful post...well penned..

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  50. Very nice post. Come visit mine sometime, I'd love to hear your feedback.

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  51. quite a nice read....and yes i do agree a lot with you, and also identify with you since am a married woman myself!!!

    http://sushmita-smile.blogspot.com

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  52. Amazing read Sahana. As always, your posts are delight to read. LOL on manufacturing defects.

    I agree to your views on two body and one soul. Loved the line 'differ yet prefer'. In the name of marriage and one soul concept, don't loose the individual identity. :)

    Cheers!

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  53. Its amazing how you have such a logical and practical view on all things in life.Its like you can wear and take off the rose tinted glasses when you like.

    Its a fab read.And a lot to take home from!!

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  54. Great post. I agree with you. Life never seems perfect, neither in childhood nor when you grow up.

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  55. I m an aquarius too :P
    The post was indeed practical and very straightforward..
    Blame it on the fairy tales or the movies, we tend to look at marriage with rosy glasses. At the core of it marriage is just learning to live with someone and loving him :)

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  56. Awesummm!!! I agree with u a 100%! Excellent post!!! Luv it...

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  57. How many times will I tell you I loved your post Sahana! Phew... ;)

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  58. My hero is an Arian. We are so different from each other and that realization came only once we got into a relationship. When we were friends we agreed to almost everything and now we disagree to most of the things.

    "After marriage, you get to see the real people. So, there will be many bitter-sweet occasions.", This is so true!

    Accepting the difference of opinions is a key to a happy relationship. Great post! :)

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  59. Great topic Sahana, a worthy read. Whenever I have read this line, "How life changed after Marriage?" it was always percieved as, "Not so good" kind of image. You have cleared that notion and have rigtly so.

    I completely agree with whatever you have expressed. In the whole blog, I just loved this line, "Such colors prevent us appreciating the natural colors of married life"....so damn true...:) Great Blog once again..

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  60. Quite an interesting post!!well,where as aquarian part of it is concerned ,they are the ppl who find it hard to express their true feelings ,being an aquarian i can say tht. where as shaadi is concerned ,i am fiercely independent single though and enjoy my freedom but wud still like to add ,frm my exp after hearing both sides i have come to a conclusion ,shaadi is a mantra...its like a horse ride one must learn to rein the horse.wht u mentioned in the post is true bt one can certainly make the tables turn.

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  61. Heyloo.. :)

    It was quite an eye opener post.. :) :)

    Straight forward.. No chik chik.. no jhik jhik.. :P

    Have a happy life!

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  62. I so agree with the first point, I was running a small business when I met my husband and we worked day in and day out. We did so many things. Infact we made huge investments in share market together. I mean, the only thing we are not doing was living together. I thought I knew him inside out. But, within hours of entering his home, I came to know I don't know him well;)

    Totally vouch your post!

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  63. No change comes without a friction. Marriage is not an exception. What matters is a positive attitude towards this change. Totally agreed with the thoughts expressed in last paragraph of the post.

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  64. I believe my life changed more after the birth of my daughter. Fortunately for me, I have this knack of keeping everything in order since my medical days and I used to get on my newly wife's nerves with the cleanliness and orderliness factors. But the birth of my child has been the real game changer for me. I have written about it on The south reports http://www.tsr.net.co/profiles/blogs/i-am-a-ninja?xg_source=activity

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  65. Excellent points.. .. I completely agree on that.. Life does change in its every step, every phase.. not just marriage.. but yeah, marriage is one of the big phase... Just imagine, if it wasn't the case.. like if there was no change in life - for some time we may like it that way but then, we may get bored of the same + predictable things with no challenge.. Life without changes is like rainbow without colors!!

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  66. I think the more we fought,the more we came to know each other..

    I liked your view on the 'two-body-one-soul' concept..

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  67. so very true .. but all this need not be in context of marriage .. its true for other phases too .. you meet someone new you become friends .. how much do you know them .. its only after a relationship is formed that we start to know the person ...

    and fighting is actually healthy i think, you get to find the other side too .. by fighting i dont mean it becomes a WAR ...

    marraige changes a bit more as you live with the person all the time and each plan thought now have this one more person in it ...

    Bikram's

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  68. Insightful post Sahana. Now I know I don't need to have high expectations from a prospective groom since there would be a lot of changes from 'before' to 'after'.

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  69. Great post -- simple yet you hit right on the nail with great outlook :)

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  70. hey this was awesome.:)
    i too felt d same couple of times...
    marriage is like chewing gum..though it becomes tastless we keep chewing it!

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  71. Sahana,Being a bachelor i am not the right person to answer "does the life change after marriage ?"... but it made me to think and imagine the life after marriage...and few thoughts here in this post are so true.... and your post is good as before..no doubt in that...

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  72. Sahana,
    Congratulations for such a complete and personnel article on a very sensitive subject.
    It is so complete, I have nothing to add. Simply great!
    You have been so natural and original,reader may feel you are just telling what we feel and think.
    Well, life is like that.
    All the best for everything, love and blessings.
    I would spare more time reading your other articles.

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  73. Dear Sahana,

    i liked your article. its simple and through the point. we all know all the above stories but live in a dream world and end up spoiling our life and marriage.

    Congratulations.

    Vaishali

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  74. 200% Agreed on this post, very well written,
    People who are getting married or who are just married should read this post I will pass it on to my Girlies :D

    People married and have spent few years ;) they will know this fact already :D

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  75. Knowledge this is for me! I saved this piece in my mail :D :D The marriage and the changes are soo overwhelming :P You spoke some question I had in mind.. Have to see how it turns out though :)

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  76. @enigma : Thank you

    @Chintan : That could be an option who is brave enough to go with live-in Chintan. I really do not know how many parents would oblige to it. But, yes, individuality SHOULD win. That is when togetherness will win.

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  77. I specifically loved the 3rd point: "No frequent telephone calls, sms-es, lesser kuchhie-mucchiee conversations DOES NOT mean that "you are taken for granted"." And more importantly "that is a luxury!"

    It's a very well-worded article with simpler, still the most effective language. I look forward to reading more such articles from your side.

    Happy Blogging!

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  78. Every word you has written is true. It shouts honesty and reality. It takes a lot to be in a relation. With time it nurtures and evolves. Love grows and becomes stable…..

    Love
    http://www.meghasarin.blogspot.com

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  79. Another prominent couples therapist Dan Wile wrote “there is a value when choosing a long term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolveable problems that you will be grappling with for the next 10, 20, or 50 years.” marriage

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