Monday, October 29, 2012



Arguments. The unwritten rule in the life of people who live together under the same roof. Arguments can ignite because of one small action/inaction, word/no-words or frustration.  Over years of marriage, I observed that some solutions which have worked for me in wriggling out of or avoiding arguments. There may be many more. I will learn them eventually.

Respond. Don't react.
There is a big difference. Reaction comes with zero-thinking unlike response. When he says something which cuts through your ego and it brings up equally hurting words is when you have to drown them down your mouth. Take a deep breath. Step back. Listen carefully. If you feel situation is just blowing your head-off. Choose some corner of the house. Refuse to argue, even if the person comes behind you shouting all the way. Switch on mute mode. Take refuge in a place where you can cool yourself. Take your time. Choose your words. Give it back in a nice but firm manner when things are cool.  ;)

Accept Manufacturing Defects
In the initial days of living together, there will be many frustrating things, which you may not like.  You tend to pick up battles on that. Shout. Argue. Sob. But, you see somethings are inherent. They do not change over time. Wet towel will still find its place over the bed, wrapper of the new toothpaste on the wash-basin etc. Consider them to be manufacturing defects of that human being and accept that gracefully. And more importantly remember, you are also accepted with some such defects. Relationships are too valuable to fight over petty matters. Arguing over the same matter again and again is insane. It is like doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. 

What is right? Not Who? 
You are frustrated, you pass some hurtful remarks and you get back hurtful remarks again. You are now offended. There starts a big chain of bomb shelling. Everytime, you are adding new layers to the argument, each trying to win and prove the point "I'm right!". Never have that urge to get the last word. Always remember, you are NOT arguing with your enemy. The other person may have a kernel of truth at their core in what he/she is saying. Take criticism positively. Be honest enough to see what is right, irrespective of which one of you is saying it.

Agree to Disagree
Watching old test matches of cricket has been an irritating issue for me. For BH, it is as enjoyable as those few minutes of a nail-biting finish. He tried explaining to me many a times, on how good a test match is, why it interests him etc. Finally, he understood, that I just cannot see through his perspective. Then he stopped explaining. Sometimes he gives in and sometimes he watches while I do something else. We just agreed to disagree.


  • Arguments may augment tension if not transformed into a discussion.
  • Let go of ego.
  • Don't use tears as a weapon in the arguments. It will be an unfair game when your partner is in the ring unarmed. 
  • Ensure discussions do not become diss-cuss-sessions.

Wrote this post as I was thinking about ways of ending an argument I had with BH for not calling me or messaging me for 18 hrs when I was at my parents place! And there beeped my cell-phone.
"I now understand how empty God's house must have been, when He dropped you into your mother's womb. Missing you dear."
THERE! I realized. I missed an important point to end arguments. LOVE.


  1. During our just married days there was an agreement we made. Never to drag the past in our arguments. Not to deviate from the issue and not feel ashamed to say sorry.

    Believe me, it always works.

  2. Tips like these help big time Sahana! Its very difficult to remember them in the heat of the moment. But like most of the things, can be mastered over time.

    P.s : The message your BH sent was totally awww..! :-)

  3. Well.. every bit of the above writeup is very 'useful' for living a good married life. The 'manufacturing defect' thing struck me most; even God isn't always perfect.. how true!!

    Nice post, Sahana :o)

  4. wow took you long to get to this compilation.. :)

    and yes I liked the first point the best RESPOND and not react is the key to a lot of things .. its the reaction which makes things go haywire ..

    and now what a lovely message.. the 18hrs seem less now he he he he :)


  5. Let go of ego.

    That's my motto. All The. Time.

  6. Wow! But Sahana, the tears are my missiles :-)
    Well after loads and loads of arguments I have realized, tears are crafty ;-) and now even he knows that! No values of those tears anymore. I always use the first point nowadays, just go into a corner and mute it out. Also, getting out history is a big no no. The issue cannot be sidelined at no times!

  7. :) awesome :) every one of us should read this post very very useful one Sahana :D
    hahaha "Manufacturing defects" hehehe :D
    the message is just wow:D how lucky of you to get such a sweet message :D

    Keep giving such gyans :D and keep writing :D always waiting for your posts :D

  8. Nice one, Sahana:)We all are beset with manufacturing defects and the sooner we know about them, the easier life becomes:)

  9. Loved the list Sahana! Especially the first one has to be a rule in every marriage for sure :).

    Been a long time, am just going to catch up on old posts. Hope you are doing well :) !!

  10. Hi Sahana, Long time :-)

    All these are simple yet highly effective pointers when it comes to dealing with a person. We know this all along, but to implement in and practice it is what makes all the difference!

  11. nice post . Before I argue with my father in some family matters . But nowadays I didn't talk with him regarding those . I can't change his character and hobbits. So I am not much bother about those things and now no problems :)

  12. Hahaha, Although Hilarious, but I guess, these tips help....

    But again, as usual, we are humans. I guess, tips don't help much, may be a little bit.

    But then, how boring would be a so called "Perfect-Relationship"!! "No holds barred" fights are so much interesting and exciting than the "by the book" fights :).

    But then again, sometimes, you need to play by the book, just to cool off things a bit. No one would want a fight/argument all the time. :D

  13. If we take the slightest responsibility for our actions, there would be no need for arguments. There is no point in (always) blaming others.

  14. Lol, nice list. but then we are argumentative by nature. why take the fun away .. Good points collated though and brilliant writing.

  15. Sahana,

    I sincerely hope and pray that all couples, specially newly married, read this. If we follow what you advice, there will be far lesser failed marriages.

    Take care

  16. Sahana, very mature perspective indeed. The joy of living together is greatly elevated when mutual understanding of a disagreement is respected in its true spirit. It should be debated within its prescribed parameters. It should be argued with intelligence than emotion. And, it should be a genuine submission with a reciprocal win-win rather than a *I win - you loose or vice verse* sentiment. While the former sentiment leaves you comforting, the latter sentiment will pave the way to ruin of a relationship.

    "A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it." - Don Fraser

    Well articulated synopsis, Sahana.

  17. thats a lovely post and amazingly sweet message :) happy diwali for you and your family!

  18. Really well compiled list... and applicable every couple..
    i guess all of us come with manufacturing...

  19. Sakat post ri Sahana. How true your writings are.
    Before you pick my bone I wrote mine too :)Plz stop by :)
    Keep it coming!!

  20. I know all these points and God alone knows how many times these words of wisdom must have been passed on to me.. but my problem is...I forget them everytime an argument crops up...and remember them after the argument O_O ...

  21. Wonderful pointers and LOL @ manufacturing defects!! We have the some wonderful mfrg defects at our place too! We were given an advice on our wedding day... never go to bed with a angry mood, sort it out before you sleep! :)

  22. Happened to visit your blog after quite some time and lo and behold, I find a post which resonates so much of how I would approach a similar issue. Awesome post...


  23. Awww such a sweet message from your husband!! I agree with everything you have to say and I will try to implement them though I know how hard it is to not fight back..


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